Kids and Thorns – The Impossible Task of Perfect Parenting

 

This post is not the normal type of post.  This one has nothing to do with finances.  But being a parent is at the heart of our financial journey, so I thought I would share some of what life looks like in our house….

In case anyone is misled by pictures of smiling children in the most adorable Halloween costumes – but seriously, those are the cutest, right?  I have to let you all in on something – our life is not all roses.  Whoever (or is it whomever? I never get that right) thought up that phrase forgot, roses have thorns.  Today was a particularly thorny day.  And, I am not talking a little prick on the finger thorny.  I am talking those big huge vines of thorns that sprung up in Sleeping Beauty. Massive – huge – black – ugly – thorns.

 

I would hate for anyone to look at our life and think that we have our shit together.  (Whoops – I should’ve warned you, I am not in the mood today to keep my potty words to myself.)  Some days in the Mays house, it mirrors the apocalypse.  Children turn into little demon-babies and Momma gives Linda Blaire a run for her money.  Today was not my proudest moment.  Not by a long shot.

 

You see, when you sign up for this parenting gig, no one tells you that one day one of your precious angels, that really should worship the womb that birthed them – or the heart that grew them, will scream in your face how much they hate you and call you out on your poor parenting.  In their eyes, you ARE supposed to be perfect.  They have NO idea – that it really is the most impossible task. Impossible from the start.

 

Impossible when you let the baby cry in the crib a little longer than you probably should, because you just need ONE second so you don’t crumble into a sobbing mush ball too.

 

Impossible when your four-year-old, trying to be a big boy, isn’t quite tall enough to reach the cereal and tips the box spilling cereal dust all over your freshly swept floors. And then, out of sheer frustration, because that was the first time you had swept the floors in three weeks, you chastise him for not asking for help. Yeah…so clearly NOT perfect.

 

Impossible when your special needs boy, who has had such a hard time at school because it is JUST TOO MUCH for him, misses out on a treat like his brothers. Guilt hits you in the pit of your stomach.  The look on his face. You ARE an awful parent.

 

Or when your adult child points out all the ways you have screwed up, like you aren’t aware, pouring salt into every insecurity you already have about your parenting. Ah, how do they know? There is no fooling anyone around here.

 

Sometimes it is just a perfect storm for these types of days.  Then, I stop and wonder, do other parents have these same types of days?  Maybe we ARE doing it all wrong.  Maybe it’s not the perfect storm, maybe WE are the storm?  I think I have seen that meme somewhere. I don’t think this is what they meant though.

 

What if WE are creating the chaos.  I don’t know what to do with that.  If that is the case, how on earth do we fix that?  Parenting is permanent.  You don’t get to say, “whoops, my bad – I am defective – here’s the kids back.”  Nope, this gig is for life and that’s a really looooong time.

 

I am not quite sure how to repair the destruction caused when these storms have let loose in our house.  I suppose it starts by taking a look around and first assessing the damage. Then starting with the stuff we can tackle ourselves and, maybe – if necessary – we call in the National Guard. Do they have a hotline?

 

As I write, it is 3:30 in the morning and my house is quiet except for my faithful boy Odin.  Thank goodness for the loyalty of our furbabies.  Now that’s the real deal unconditional adoration right there.  My brain is still reeling from just how god-awful a day it was yesterday.  From reports of really sucky behavior at school by half of the Littles to the horrible fight with my daughter. The worst?  My sweet little four-year-old was a witness to all of it.  UGH.  You see?  Bad parenting.

 

As I think about how events unfolded, I cannot forget the divine intervention that also took place.  You see, sometimes God just knows when and where to place people in your life – just to let you know he IS STILL THERE.

 

Even in the middle of the chaos, there is still soccer practices to get to, groceries to pick up and webinars to attend.  Thank goodness for technology, Wi-Fi and mobile hotspots. This is how post-millennial moms get all the stuff done. While setting up my laptop to listen to a scheduled webinar at the park, so I can be “present” at soccer practice but also keep any eye on my other boys, I happened to see a friend’s old neighbor and fellow foster-adoptive Momma there on a Thursday.  Not her normal day or time to be there, but you see – God.  That’s kinda how he rolls.

 

As we were catching up, the conversation naturally flowed to the common struggles we both share of having babies born with disadvantages.  That’s a really nice way of saying our babies were born to moms who abused their bodies with drugs and a whole host of other things while carrying our children.  In utero-trauma is a thing – and it has lasting consequences.  You think when you adopt a baby you can love them to healthy.  And for the most part, that is true.  But health is a spectrum.  There are varying degrees. My boys ARE healthy.  They are sweet. Active. Thriving.  But they also suffered in utero trauma and that means that sometimes their brains do not react the way we want them to. They have difficulty with relationships, boundaries, self-regulation. Handling noise – any stimulus – emotions. ALL.THE.EMOTIONS.

 

As we sat and talked and I watched her struggle with her youngest, who was having a really hard time and openly defiant and refusing to let her mommy have more than a 30 second attempt at conversation at a time – I was grateful.  Grateful because in that moment I realized we all have our struggles.  We all have our challenges.  Moments of chaos happen to all of us. And we are all just doing the best we can.  She described some of the difficulties they were having and I could see tears welling up.  I hear you Momma.  I share your frustration.  Your exhaustion. Sometimes it is all too much.

 

In the middle of our fragmented conversation, her phone rang, it was her 13-year-old calling to tell her she made dinner and it was ready and waiting for them. After getting off the phone, she began packing up and shared with me how awful a mom she is because her first instinct was not to be grateful her daughter had made dinner, but to be irritated that she now had to pack everyone up and leave practice a bit early to get to the dinner waiting on them.

 

I get it. I totally get it. How many times has my first instinct been not of kindness, appreciation or gratitude. To not see the effort of my children and their intention behind an action. Yeah, I get it. We are selfish beings by nature.  To some extent we cannot help it.  It takes intention. It takes awareness.  And sometime we are so exhausted by life that we are just too tired to be intentional or aware and our human-ness is revealed.

 

So, when my daughter yells at me and tells me I am selfish, and I want to scream with all my might that I am not – I need to acknowledge she is right.  She is right about a lot.  I am selfish and I am not as good of a parent as I want to be – in fact, I miss that mark by a lot. But I also need to give myself a little grace and also realize that we are all flawed.  Most of us moms and dads are just trying to do the best we can with these precious treasures we have been given. The roses are beautiful – but the thorns serve their purpose too. They protect the roses from being eaten – allowing them to grow.  Maybe that’s the purpose of these really awful days too.

 

Love and Prosperity, 

Your GirlFIDay

 

 

 

 

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Flipped @ Forty – Family

Flipped @ forty family PINTERIST

Photo by mohamed taher 

Anyone want a 3-year old? The one I have is part Tasmanian devil, apparently. That or channeling Linda Blair (Millennials and younger, look that up.). So far this morning (before 8:30) there have been 3 time outs, screaming hysterically because we are going upstairs to play. The torture! Throwing a tantrum in his room because I shut the door until he can calm down then screaming and kicking “I WANT IT OPEN!” He peeks out after being quiet for, literally, ONE SECOND. After which, I tell him to wait a little bit until I come get him. He immediately screeches, you know the one – the glass shattering high pitched shrill one, then attempts to slam the door, unsuccessfully, as it slowly swings back open. Promptly followed by screaming and kicking, “I DONT WANT IT OPEN!!!!”
Fun times at the Mays house. Day drinking is “a thing” right? I may have to try to like wine.

Looking back, the four older kids were SO EASY. The two Littlest Littles, I tell you….I’m noticing more and more grey in my hair. They are all named Ezra and Isaiah. Who thought it would be a good idea to start over at forty?  Me, you say? Well, then.  Some of you need to check your “friend cards” for not warning us at least.

This time around it was supposed to be so much easier.  (Bwahahahaha! The joke’s on us.)

It ain’t easier and it sure ain’t prettier.

So, don’t you dare believe all these moms and dads who post pics of their perfect children and lives…this is the real stuff. The nitty gritty – Calgon take me away – crying in the closet – I need another Xanax – stuff.

Starting over at 42, having already gotten my two oldest children almost to the finish line, I don’t know what I thought it would be like.  We never had the traditional get married, buy a house, have babies timeline. When I was a new mom at 25, I was still in college and working.  We were broke and struggling.  Though I would have loved to have showed up and helped out in my daughter’s class, and gone on field trips and finger-painted in the middle of the day, if Momma didn’t work she didn’t earn any money.  She couldn’t ditch school either.

Those were some lean times.  I feel guilty sometimes that my now 22-year-old got the shaft.  I joke, she grew up with us.  But it’s the truth really.  We had NO IDEA what we were doing and we were doing it alone, without parents nearby. We were flying by the seat of our pants.  Those were the years that if we didn’t donate plasma, we didn’t have gas in the car to get to work to buy the food or pay the rent.  Plasma donations are what made our budget, if you could call it that, work. We would not have made it without it.  But we learned to do a lot with a little.  I could make $20.00 feed us for a week.  Not the most nutritious meals – but it was sustenance and that’s all we needed. We look back to those times and know we could survive just about anything.

And I know that about my daughter too.  I like to think that having grown up with us and struggle with us, has contributed to the vibrant and independent woman she is.  Of course, I still worry about her and I still carry some of that guilt. And because of that, I tend to say “no” far less than I probably should. But that’s normal, right?

My now 16-year old son was born during the time when my husband and I were just starting our careers.  He got to see us achieving, what we perceived as, the American Dream.  The new mortgaged house, in suburbia, two financed cars, we finally got a dog – she was free at least.  His life was much less chaotic.  There was no moving every year or two for cheaper rent.  He is my calmer child.  And that makes sense.  Life was calm then.  For a time.

Then there are the Littles.  We were both 42 when we became parents all over again.  First with Jake and then Aydyn, Ezra and Isaiah – all at the same time.  We had four little ones age three and under.  Three of them in diapers.  We had cribs everywhere. Toys everywhere.  And laundry.  Always laundry.

I like to say it was managed chaos.  It’s still managed chaos.  Some days, it’s much less managed and mostly just chaos.  Even with all the chaos – being a mom all over again in my, now, mid-forties, as opposed to my mid-to-late twenties -it’s quite a different experience.  Certainly, our external circumstances are different.  But I am also different.  WE are different, both as individual parents and as a parental unit.

Our focus has shifted. We are much more “present”.  More confident in who we are as parents.  We do not have the undercurrent of worry anymore. We are more intentional about taking the time to enjoy being parents, a luxury we did not have the first time around.  The benefit of perspective and life experience is pure gold.

That’s not to say we have got it all together.  It’s just different.  I am still awkward.  I’ve never felt I was part of the “super-mom, mommy and me, PTA” crowd.  When I pick up my boys and see all the fit 20-something mom’s in the coordinated active wear, delivered monthly, and messy buns, I feel out of place.  When I am in the check-out line at the grocery store with my boys, I am thankful when they call me “mommy” – ensuring I am not mistaken for  “Grandma.”

My bones and muscles get sore much more quickly.  And It seems really, really unfair to have age-spots appearing and greying hair while my youngest is still in pull-ups.  It should be a rule that can’t happen.  Those things should only happen when your children reach a certain age – no matter how old YOU are.

And then there are the days like today, where all HELL has broken-loose.  (Not H-E-double hockey sticks – but HELL, all caps HELL.) These are the days where I question what business I have being a 47-year old mom of preschoolers.  A day when in the midst of questioning my abilities as a Momma, I’m met with parenting suggestions from someone who does not have children – and it almost sends me over the edge.  She meant well and is a fabulous woman – but it’s comments like hers that underscore my own insecurities as a parent.  Days when I am doing it all wrong.  That something must be wrong with ME, that my kids aren’t the Angels that everyone else’s kids appear to be.

Where there is the slightest fear that I might be raising little serial killers.  It certainly appears that way when the second I am taking a business phone call and have to step out of the room, the two Littlest Littles proceed post-haste to actually attempt to murder each other with their bare hands.

(That’s sarcasm folks.  Don’t get your panties in a bunch. My kids are fabulous and well loved.)

And then….divinely inspired kind words float through the time and space of the Interwebs and my mom-tribe encourages me….  “You are not alone.” “Been there.”  “It will pass.” It’s like fresh air.  Calming my trembling spirit.  I am truly not alone. And we are certainly not the only ones who feel as if they are failing at this parenting gig most days.

Age has given such perspective in so many areas of my life.  In my career, in relationships.  I am so much more forgiving.   Willing to freely share what I know with others.  A desire to reach back and grab as many people as I can on the journey.  So why is it so hard to be that confident as a parent?

We are certainly not perfect.  Not by a long shot.  But there are perfect moments.  When my four-year old climbs up into my bed to give me a hug and squeezes me as hard as he can.  When my seven-year old excitedly shares with me a book he wants to get at the book fair, remembering that I told him it was one of my favorites as a child.  Sitting down for dinner and looking across the table and seeing all of my children together enjoying just being together.  It’s the moments that make all the difference. Oh, how I would love to freeze each and every one of them so I don’t forget them. Forgetfulness….another side-effect of aging (sigh).

And all the other times, in between “the moments”, I am grateful that I have my own tribe of “super-mom’s” on stand-by to reach back and carry me forward.  It almost makes me forget about my age-spots and grey hair.

Love and Prosperity 

Your Girl.FI.day 

Flipped @ Forty – Flipping the Script on my Career

Flipped @ forty.png

Gosh, when I was 16, forty was Old!  Not just old…but Ooooooooooold.  And here I am, not just forty, but on the upswing to fifty.  At the  time I am writing this, I will be celebrating my 47th birthday next week.  It’s almost incomprehensible to me.  And it makes me appreciate the cliché that, age is just a number.  I get it now.  Like, I really, REALLY get it.  I would never go back to twenty. Or even thirty for that matter.  Because, for me, life really started getting exciting at forty.

But it didn’t begin there.  In fact, in several areas of my life, the beginning of my forties began with a lot of heartache, despair and a feeling that I just didn’t know where or who I was anymore.  I understand why people have mid-life crises. Because that was me.  I didn’t go out a buy a convertible Camaro (Red.  With a back stripe down the hood and a black top with black leather interior – I didn’t get it, but I certainly did think about it an awful lot.) Instead, I got a red convertible Beetle.  The car I dreamed about when I was 16 years old but could never afford. I named her Lola Beatle and she was my mid-life crisis car. Have you gotten yours yet?

In this series of posts, I would like to share with you how I was able to flip the script on my forties.  My hope is that if you are at or near your forties and feel that it’s too late to start –you will realize that your forties do not have to be the beginning of the end, but simply the beginning.

For me, for my family, we started over in three significant areas of our lives in our forties.  We started our family over at forty, we began to really turn our finances around in our mid-forties and I started a new career recently, nearing 47. These were all BIG changes.  Changes many would never make at this stage in life for a lot of reasons, fear, complacency, or simply not knowing how.  Change is hard.  Change is scary.  REALLY really scary sometimes.  But doable.  SO DOABLE.

In this first post, I want to share how I started my career change.  Out of all of the areas of my life this is the one that took the longest.  It was a seven-year journey, full of hills and long, deep and sorrow-filled valleys.   The journey was long, but the moment I knew I needed a career change is vividly clear.

At the time, I had just begun a law partnership with a someone I considered one of my best friends.  Mistake number one.  We were two very different people and, while that was great for a friendship, not so much for business.  We were six months into our partnership and my family was on a short vacation in San Diego.  I was sitting on a beach reading a book and something in the book caused me to recall a negative comment my partner had made to me about our choice to adopt.  In that moment, I knew that I had to leave the partnership.   That our differences in family commitments, personal beliefs and business dynamic were already so far apart, that it was not going to last.  That the sooner we dissolved it, even if painful, the better.

And it WAS painful.  My partner did not understand, though I tried to explain.  She was hurt.  And I get that – I would have been too if the roles were reversed.  She had no idea it was coming.  Sadly, we never recovered.  And even now, it is a loss that still hurts my heart.

At the same time, I began to be dissatisfied with practicing law.  I was in the beginning stages of burnout.  Though I was making a decent income, enjoyed my colleagues and running my own practice immensely – I knew that the end of the runway was coming.  What followed was four years of soul-searching.  Knowing that I needed to find a new career – but unsure of what “that” was.  I combed the internet for careers.  Thought long and hard about what I thought I was good at, what I thought I wanted and I arrived at entering corporate America as an executive.  I was certain I would be successful and if I played my cards right, I would land a position in a company that allowed International travel – which was a huge bonus.

I was accepted into the Executive MBA program at my alma mater, Arizona State University, which had an International component and I began my studies.  It was exhilarating.  I enjoyed being in a learning environment – I thrived engaging with my classmates, many that were already executives and feeling that I belonged.  I had found my place.

The year prior to my entry into the MBA program we adopted our first foster-child.  He was almost two years old when I began the program.  I was in my second month of the program when our world was rocked upside down with the news that my son had two little brothers in foster-care – it was a sucker punch we never saw coming.  CPS wanted us to take them.  It changed everything.  They were 13-months old and a brand-new three-week old baby.  When they asked, there was no hesitation.  Our choice was clear, we had to take the babies.  Our son deserved to know his brothers and they deserved to know him.  The whole adventure of their arrival and departure was one of the most precious and grief-filled periods of my life and too much to go into detail here, this is, after all a post about career-change…(you can read about it, though, if you want to HERE.) but I digress…

Getting the babies meant I had to choose.  And I chose them.  There was no other option.  I could not run my law practice, care for three babies under 2 and also continue pursuing my MBA.  Though the choice was clear, but I was still devastated.  I was SO SURE.  I was SO SURE I had found my path.  I had prayed and prayed for answers and so when I was accepted into the MBA program – I believed that was the answer.  It was not.  That realization was painful, so very painful.

Our lives were consumed with the babies and after the babies left, two more babies came to us by the grace of God.  They ended up being THE answer, but I was still so filled with grief about the loss of Jaycob’s brothers and having to give up on my MBA, that I did not know that my boys were going to lead us to the answer at the time.  (If you are lost about the growth of our family – I know, it IS complicated – start here and read all 6 parts.  It will all make sense.)

It was during that whole tumultuous time that I realized all I wanted was to have more time with my kids.  I missed out on so much with my older two that I knew I wanted it to be different for our little boys.  The quandry was that I was still the bread-winner and our family relied on my income.  The pull to be home with my boys became almost unbearable.  It was then that I began researching how I could both have my practice and be at home.  I applied for a contract that would allow me to largely work from home.  Several months later I was excited to learn I had gotten it.  I was now able to earn the income our family was accustomed to – but also allowed me more time with my children.  It was perfect.  Almost.

We were now at year five of my mid-life career-crisis journey.  By this time, my husband had found a position in San Diego, something that we had dreamed of for years.  We were delighted to also learn that due to his increased income and health benefits, we were in a much better position financially.  And because I was primarily working from home, we were able to relocate to San Diego without a significant decrease in our income.  I continued to work my practice in Phoenix, making the drive between Phoenix and San Diego whenever I needed to.

But we were miserable, not with our life in San Diego – that was near perfect, but with the drain my traveling took on all of us.  I was also at the breaking point.  I was approaching full burn-out and my practice was suffering.  My mental-health was affected.  My children were impacted every time I had to leave.  The travel was straining my marriage.  It was time to do something.

I went back to the drawing board.  I took inventory of my skills and what I wanted out of a career.  Becoming a full-time stay-at-home-mom was not an option, nor a desire if I am 100% honest, though I knew that if I did not figure something out soon – I was not going to be able to make the choice to quit, it would be made for me.  So, I sat again on the beach.  That is MY place. I took mental note of all the things I knew I wanted. I wanted to be my own boss, I wanted a career that I could have unlimited income potential and one that I would not have to spend a fortune going back to school for.

Real Estate!  Becoming a Realtor checked every box for me.  I had briefly been licensed in Phoenix, but had not done much with it.  I knew that I could do it, if I was focused, and cimmitted to treating it as a business. So, I purchased the courses, studied extremely hard and got my license.

I am now six months in to my real estate career and I am seeing it grow every single day.  I am slowly winding down my law practice and anticipate I will be able to retire it after I have completed the handful of cases that remain on my caseload.

I turn 47 next week.  Just a year ago, I saw the end of the runway approaching faster and faster.  I was running out of time and catastrophe was ahead.  Today, I am hopeful.  I am invigorated.  I am excited to grow my real estate business.  I foresee the future we have planned for our kids.  I am home with them and they are thriving.  I am also fulfulled as a working mom, an entrepeunuer.  I get the best of both worlds.  The best ME in both those worlds.  And it’s just the beginning.

If you’re scared.  I know.  Starting over is scary.  Scary hard.  Fo-shizzle!  But – the one thing I learned through this tumultuous journey is this…stand firm.  When your whole world is crumbling around you, and you are full of fear.  Stand firm in it.  Because it will pass.  The fear will subside and it will be replaced with resolve.  And as soon as you find your resolve – then you take action. You are in charge of your life – it is up to you to change it.

Love and Prosperity,

Your GirFIday

You CAN Adopt…

Adoption GirlFIday brothers PINTEREST

Not everyone gets my humor.  I think I am hilarious; my husband will tell you the intensity of my belief in my own hilarity has zero correlation with whether or not I am, in fact, hilarious…

With that in mind, I scratched several possible titles to this article before settling on this one – You CAN adopt.  Front runners were How We Got a Bunch of Babies for Free, Need Babies – We Got Babies, How to Adoption-Hack – Adopt for Almost Free…..yeah….none of those would have been good and I am sure others, a bit more sensitive than myself just might have been offended.  So, I used my better judgment – it’s not always a whole lot better, but it’s always better than the alternative.

Here is something that is true, and not in the least but funny, and that is there are a bunch of kiddos out there, in this very country, in your city, and likely near where you are this very moment, that need love.  They need families – they need YOU!

Just the other day, a foster-adoption momma friend was asked if she could take a 14-day old baby, that would otherwise stay the night at the CPS offices.  No one else would take the baby.  UGH.  If this does not make your heart hurt, go check your pulse.  This momma, with an already full house, including two babies, opened her home so that this little angel would be safe, secure and loved, until CPS could find a placement.  And Friends, this happens every day.  Every.Single.Day. Everywhere. And it is 100% preventable.

…..Exhales, does a whoosa….and steps down from soapbox…

We are six years out from our first adoption and since that time, we have now adopted four little boys.  It’s been a crazy-wild ride and if you want to hear the whole story, it’s pretty amazing.  If you’re interested, I wrote about it here .  Though, hands-down the biggest, and most scary adventure of our lives, it is one we would do all over again.  In a heartbeat.

One might think, how could you have adopted four children? Adoption is so expensive!

My response, is, yes, it can be – depending on which route you choose.  Not every route is right for everyone, but for those open to adopting from foster care, you might just find that a door you thought was closed to you – is WIDE open.

There are typically three types of adoption, private domestic, private international and adoption through the state.  We are only going to cover state adoptions here.  We know several other adoptive parents that have chosen both private domestic and private international, each one has their own risks and processes.  If you want to learn more, I may not have all the answers, but I am pretty good at finding where to point you to get them.

But if your hearts are open and you are a brave and courageous soul, read on…

Step One

Step One is to find out your state’s requirements to adopt from foster-care.  Every state has its own requirements.  We adopted in Arizona.  In Arizona, DCS (Department of Children’s Services, formerly CPS) offers free information, no obligation, sessions that are held all over the state several times a month.  Your state may offer the same.  Contact your state agency to see how you can get more information.  Another great resource is the North American Council on Adoptable Children, they can be found here:  https://www.nacac.org/

Step Two

Choose your agency to assist with licensing.  Arizona requires 30 hours of training (called PS-MAPP).  Again, each state is different.  Attending this training is so important.  You learn some of the special needs you may encounter with children who have been placed in foster care.  It is also a really good way to know, for certain, if foster-care or foster-adoption is right for you and your family.  These classes were critical to our understanding of what we should expect; we learned so much.  It is true, you don’t know, what you don’t know.  The best part of our classes were the people we met.  We met grand-parents, single women, single men, relatives, families struggling with fertility, all different walks of life and cultures.  It was amazing to be surrounded and supported by people on the same journey as we were.

Our agency was with us through the entire adoption process and helped us keep moving forward.  There is a ton of paperwork and other steps that must be completed, a home-study for instance, and, in all honesty, at times the process was over-whelming.  So, it was comforting to have a someone by our side the whole way.

Step Three

Costs. In some states and with some agencies there is no cost whatsoever to adopt from foster-care (except for small fees like fingerprinting fees).  In our case, our agency charged $800 for the home-study, but that fee was reimbursed to us after the adoption was finalized. (Making our adoption FREE.)

Step Four

Get licensed.   Once you are certified to adopt, you will be put on a register to accept placements.  This is the moment you have been waiting for!!!!  (What I am giving here is a SUPER pared-down explanation of process, so please understand that and make sure you have done your own research for your state, to make sure you understand all that is involved in getting certified.)

Your license will determine how many children you can have placed with you.  Prior to being certified you will have filled out a questionnaire to inform your state agency the type of child you believe would fit your family circumstances best.  Some of the factors include age, gender, and whether or not you would be willing to have a child with special needs placed, as well as the extent of needs you feel comfortable with.  (There are special requirements for adopting children with more severe needs.)

One of the biggest needs for placements is that of sibling groups.  Even if you initially do not intend on adopting more than one child, one thing you should be aware of is that it is not uncommon for later born siblings to come into care after your adoption has been finalized (and sometimes even before then).  In our circumstance, three of our children are siblings.  We started our journey intending to only adopt one child….and now we have four!  How that happened is told here, here and here.  So even though our original license was for one child, we had to get our license amended so that we could accept our son’s brothers into our home. (They ultimately did not stay with us and is part of our story.)

Step Four

Depending on your license and the preferences you have stated in your questionnaire, your placement will be a child who is already available for adoption (parental rights severed) or not.  In our circumstance, we initially asked to have a child placed with us whose parental rights had already been severed; initially we felt, like a lot of people who consider foster-care, that we could not “have a child placed with us and then lose them.”  However, during the process, our hearts were changed – we took a risk – and, had we not we would not have been given our Jake.   You can find how we arrived at that decision here.

From the day of Jake’s placement with us to his Forever Day, the process took thirteen months.  During the time he was a foster child, we received a small monthly stipend and clothing allowance to assist us while he was in our care.  He also received free medical care and other assessments.  We felt very supported during the entire process.  There were required medical visits and other appointments we were responsible for, and for a time, there was visitation with his birth mother.  This is not always the case, and other times a child is returned to their parent(s) or it is determined a kinship placement is more appropriate.  These are all risks to consider if you choose this route.

The one thing I try to help people understand when considering foster-adoption is this.  There are risks with foster-children.  Risks of being heart-broken (we’ve been there – it’s the hardest pain we’ve ever experienced).  Risks of having a child with mental health and/or other medical issues due to the actions of his/her birth parents.  Risks that you may be asked to care for more children than you anticipated….These risks are the SAME with naturally born children.  When our children are born – there are so many unknowns.  This is the nature of parenthood.  Parenting is a wild ride…whether your children have the same DNA or not.

These same risks are present with private adoptions, domestic and foreign, as well.

Step Five

Your Forever Child. Every Halloween and Every March 25th, we celebrate the adoptions of our four boys.  Jaycob was our first adoption and Halloween is always a super special day for us.  Our other three boys were all adopted on the same day, March 25th.  Both days are a celebration for us – much the same as any of their birthdays.  Our children have been the greatest blessing in our lives.  We never expected how they would change us.  Change our whole family.

Step 6

After the Adoption. Once your child(ren) are adopted, one of the best parts is that the state is no longer part of your daily lives.  These are now (officially) your children!  While this is cause for celebration, you should also know that some of the support you once received will no longer be there.  You are 100% responsible now for your child – just as any parent should be.

Some services you may have received for the child(ren) as well as some of the financial support terminates.  This includes the monthly stipend and clothing allowance, as well as daycare allowances.

However, one benefit that your child may qualify for is a small monthly subsidy to help offset additional expenses you may incur by adopting a child that is considered “at-risk” and/or “special needs”.

Former foster children also may be eligible for ongoing healthcare, which is a huge benefit.  If you have primary coverage, this benefit will become secondary, which is extremely helpful if your child has ongoing medical needs.

A more thorough description of these benefits can be found on the NACAC website listed above.

There are additional one-time benefits described there as well as a one-time tax credit for each child. (Consult your tax professional for further information.)

I could spend an entire day, or more, going into more detail…if you haven’t noticed, I am super-passionate about foster-adoption.  There is SO MUCH MORE to know if you are considering it.  My hope is that this post has helped you understand the basics and to know that, if the expenses of adoption is what is stopping you from adding to your family, there is another way. There is a path to adoption – that will not derail you financially. You CAN adopt!

And if you simply want to know more….LET ME KNOW.  If I cannot locate the answer for you, I will find someone who can.

Love and Prosperity, 

Your Girl FI day.